Thank God for Late Night TV

If I'm going to watch late night TV, I turn on Comedy Central. No I don't, I go through all the episodes of Heroes on my Tivo.

But if I did I would so watch Colbert and South Park.

But now after seeing this lovely interrogation I'm kind of obsessed with Dave Letterman. Instead of a promotion, Letterman interrogated her ass on jail and almost made her cry on stage. Brilliant.

I've been saying for years that Paris Hilton represents everything that's wrong with America. I hope that she realizes how big of a joke she is (how crazy is the audience's laughter AT her) that she disappears from the world.


That'll probably happen when pigs fly.

I'm so going to go fetch a hog right now and feed him some of that Thai Red Bull (to get my wit check the post below).

Pre Game to the Full Moon

The fabulous thing about the Full Moon Party - well there are a lot - is that the beach parties leading up to the Full Moon are arguably cooler than the actual event.


Ok, the FMP was pretty amazing, energy was unbelievable, but the days before there is a lot of shiznit that is going on. Because apparently buckets of alcohol and DJ after DJ would bore us to death...


And by bucket, I wasn't joking.



This lovely pink bucket (pink of course!) was full of vodka "Red Bull." Yes, this Red Bull does freaking give you wings.

It also makes you an insomniac. I have no idea what is in that, but I love it. I haven't had a proper sleep since. No joke, cause didn't you know bags under your eyes is the new mascara?

Bad joke- see, this is what happens when you don't sleep.



Here's more of the festivities:



FIRE



WARNING WARNING WARNING

Lots of fire. Fire jump rope, fire people like above, fire hoop, and fire ladder.

Fire people- ok

Fire jump rope- pretty ok.

Fire hoop- not a good idea kids. It comes out around 3am and most people are not Jackie Chan. Burns were definitely seen on people's legs.

Fire ladder- I didn't even see this concoction but DON'T DO IT. IT'S FRICKIN TORTURE. Friends who hurt themselves on the fire jump rope (not burnt, stupid and twisted ankle- love you Kieron!) saw people with their skin basically coming off at the clinic.

Because reportedly they pour gasoline on the ladder while people are on it? This is reportedly, I'd honestly have to see for myself that A) the staff are that stupid and B) the party goers are even dumber.

You know what, option B could be (aka is) a reality.



And since I am a smart blonde (OMG, we do exist!) I skipped burnt flesh and chose to chill with the adorable monkeys.





1, 2, 3


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Caribbean or Thailand?

After a typhoon in Hong Kong and Macau and a very gray China, it was refreshing to get off the plane in Koh Samui, Thailand and see blue skies!


Going on the pier to catch the ferry to party headquarters aka Koh Phagnan, the scene was exactly how you would expect it to be:




The water was crystal clear blue- absolutely gorgeous.



It definitely reminded me of the Caribbean beautiful waters. I'm not sure who has the best waters, but the Thai culture and people (as well as foreign tourists) are definitely an upgrade.

A Typhoon Can't Stop Me

My trip to Asia is absolutely brilliant- save one problem.


Storms- Typhoons in China and Monsoons in Thailand.


Lovely.


So yesterday I went to Macau for an extended day and what was happening- typhoon!



The Wynn was lovely enough to have charts tracking the storm.


But another problem, I had a date with the world's longest bungy jump at the Macau Tower.




So when I arrived- what did they say?


Cancelled!!


Ugh, of course, that's my luck.

But I was able to break (or share) another Guiness World Record- the world's longest Sky Jump.




Totally not as cool for it's a guided fall down the tower, but when it's a typhoon and I'm flying around like a kite, it gets very interesting.


No worries, I bought the video. Will post that soon.

Lifestyles of the Rich & the Famous

I just came back from Macau- the Las Vegas of Asia- well trying to be.

Basically it's still pretty much Asia, except now they are having a huge influx of Las Vegas hotels like the MGM Grand, the Venetian, and the Wynn...





Yes I was spoiled the last few days, this was my hotel room.


And this-




This was the bathroom

aka my haven.

It took a lot for me to get my ass out of there- it was amazing...

Hair dryers, lighted mirror, flat screen TV, any lotion you want and a silk robe!


I must admit, I've never worn a robe before and now I understand Hugh Hefner's shtick, I would never get out of that if I didn't have to either!


But alas, all good things must come to an end. Tomorrow I leave for Koh Phangan and will be honeymooning with mosquitoes.

Jackie Chan Officially Owns China

What's this sexy limited edition car chilling in Hong Kong?



It's the Fire Sports V91X Limited Edition Car by yours truly, Jackie Chan.



See I don't lie.

Yes, Jackie Chan is the face of China with tons of Beijing Olympic promos under his belt and in tons of endorsements.

He's even bigger than Mao!





OK, well maybe Jackie Chan isn't as big as Mao, but at least he has his own car.


Or maybe Mao hasn't sold his car yet because we're not all 1375918287217589275982175 feet tall- damn.

MiniBus 'R HK

There aren't any Smart Cars in Asia.

But there are these nice little compact minibuses everywhere. It's like they said screw SUV's, we're going to bring back the 70's and all carpool together in these stylish, well, I don't know what this is...




But I do know what this VW flashback is... apparently the 70's are back!

The Rumor's True

Yes.


Hot chicks, or very frizzy chicks, like fast cars.


Remember the Ferrari from the previous post?




I so connived my way into a photo op with the lovely owner, whose name escapes me. I'm sorry- how can I concentrate when I'm in a Ferrari.



I love how the guy asked, so is this going on Facebook?

Haha- no bitch- even better- My Decolletage.

HK Cars

Hong Kong is like any major city- it's wealthy- and they love to show it off with their cars.


Just walking around Wan Chai I saw-



A Porsche



A slew of Benzes- I seriously think Mercedes owns HK.




And a Ferrari- Prrrrr.


I also missed this kick ass Porsche Boxster.

You'd think red, black- no, this was teal. I thought only Vespas could pull off teal, but I was so mistaken... Unfortunately I was admiring and not taking a picture. My bad. :(

Drinking: My Frenemy

So what's a girl to do when she can't find solace in the retail therapy?

She drinks.




She drinks champagne with Parisians.





And Red Bull with Hong Kongians.





Then dances on tables with Americans.






Shares pink helmets with Indians (so random- love it!)






Then finishes the night with more Parisians and... lord knows.



Lan Kwai Fong- special thanks to Ms. Carmen for giving me the hint.

Or Maybe Not...

So my initial love affair with HK was soured with the one thing I love... shopping.

I was trying to do my NNN fashion show and the bitches would not cooperate.

Some were creative and pretended not to speak English as soon as I said "interview", some were uncreative and said they were busy, and others were downright vicious and just said "No."



And the shopping wasn't even that great.

I feel like they need to create a shirt that said, "I went to Hong Kong and all I got was this":



A massive half dieing, half rotting, smelly fish.



On the upside- they know how to name their shopping centers. :)

HK is MKC

Hong Kong is My Kind of City.

It's fast, has tall buildings, and the only things to do are shop and drink. :)

Here are some views of their high rises from the one tourist activity to do- ride on top of the Peak.





I think HK totally kicks NYC's ass with lighted high rises. It's like they're trying to be Vegas... which is Macau, so that's silly. :)

I Swear it was the Tequila

So my last night in Beijing was absolutely crazy.

After a crazy long day of sight seeing (we're talking 9-5 on the feet, in the heat, camera on 24/7) I decided to celebrate my departure from Beijing with my new friends.

See in Beijing there are so few Westerners that you get to know people very quickly and you become part of a group as easily and you become drunk.

So.

I got drunk.

Tequila, Jager, Gin, Champagne.

After abought three bars with Alex and the Russian Mafia crew (they were the ones who brought the champagne) we went to Nanjie.



At this point I needed to take a little toilet break, also because this place had Western toilets, not holes in the ground, which I needed to capitalize on!

I'm totally fine, having a little issue with the door, until Alex comes in and is like- hey, why can't you open the door?

So I shout back, oh it's a little stuck.

So then he's like will move it up and down, try again.

So I repeat, not budging... The door is moving, but the lock is not.

So I say, no seriously this thing is stuck. It's not going to move.

So he goes, ok really?, stand back.

and BAM!!



A huge hole is knocked through the door.

Progress- right?



So upon hearing this all the staff of Nanjie comes in. An English speaking employee is finally brought to tell me there's a button on the lock you must press.

And voila- I'm free.


Oops.


So what did i do- partied until 3am at Suzy Wong's and got on a flight three hours later, very drunk, to HK.

There's no better way to leave your mark on a city than that.

Chinese Torture

Is apparently getting your hair permed.

Doesn't that look like something straight from Hostel?



But seriously, speaking of torture, I didn't hear anything about Falun Dafa until I got to HK and here they are protesting it too, but not in Mainland. I'm surprised they're even protesting there... but good for them for being brave.

Me & Mao

The two of us together- aren't we fabulous?




Well that was the only 'fabulous' thing about Tianenman Square. The place was freaking SCARY.

There is security everything and they check everyone's bags, but mainly Asians. If you're foreign, you don't get searched- unless you're an idiot and start taking pictures like me.

After this picture above they stared me down until I left. It was so scary. All I wanted to do was get out....



So I snapped this one last picture- ok, the journalist blood came through- and high tailed it out.

I'm never going back there again.

Beijing Drama

I am in Hong Kong.


I made it.


It was rough.


Last night, my last night in Beijing, was absolutely crazy.


It included Russian Mafia offspring and doors getting kicked down.


Will have pictures and story up as soon as I find a proper USB cable (seriously, uploading pics should not be this difficult).


Stay tuned...

Great Wall!!

Every American tourist goes to Badalang Great Wall.

But the thing about Badalang and Chinese renovation in general is that they renovate it to make it look new, not old and authentic.

Which is why real adventurers go to Simitai:



This is a straight up hike and is basically in ruins, in some parts. There are no hand rails or really a "wall" part of the wall, which makes this view:



very scary for some people - ahem- my dad. He actually did really well and made it up to this very scary top!



So in between the walls are these little forts that almost look Italian and Medieval. This is me hanging out one, trying to get the view in the back, but the smog was too much (even at that height!).



STOP

LOOK ABOVE

This might be a looney picture, but I'm actually sitting atop one of the little forts. Notice how there's no wall? Notice how it's basically collapsed into the road part of the wall?

Ok, now you can advance.



Me being artistic, again. I'm kind of obsessed with my artistic self. :)

A Dream at Beihai

You know when you watch movies like "Hero" you think, wow, this is only in the movies or in dreams. Nothing can actually be that beautiful in real life.




Welcome to Beihai (Bay-hi) Park.





It's so beautiful. Here is a glimpse of the Coal Hill palace in the distance. You really can't believe you're seeing this (well, kind of seeing it with all the smog).




So in order to take this funkified picture, I had to take at least 8-10 pictures with these Chinese school boys. They were following me and giggling for a while, then the token one who could speak a little English said "photo?"

I said sure. So two of them had the pleasure of having a photo with me. Then another two. Then one, then the rest of them, pissed their friend got the "alone" pic, re-did all their pics.

If this was NYC, I probably would've rolled my eyes and said "damn tourists", but I'm in Beijing and I felt wonderful in the attention.

I heart my blonde hair...



So inside Beihai park is this beautiful lake (not like green Central Park lake) where people rent little boats and do peaceful things like read.

I thought this was great because these boys are peddling their asses off while the girl, typical dame, just sits back and watches them make fools out of themselves.

I don't think this was a regular occurence as I was one of many people taking pictures.





Me trying to be artistic, and shooting myself. Disaster?

You decide!

A Real Pug!!

China not only invented cool things like fireworks, they were also the glorious people who have inbred Pugs so much that they are now the cutest (and ugliest) dogs in the world!

This is a straight up ChinaPug from a Hutong. For those of you who don't know what a Hutong is- it's where the Chinese people lives which is like a dirty shack area.


I've got video- no worries.

On a side note, the Chinese people (minus their police) are soo nice. This person let me take a picture and hang out with their pug. I'm sure I'm one of the few foreigners the person has ever seen so that just shows how open minded they are. :)

Pearl Me Baby

I officially am obsessed with Beijing... and Pfizer.


Beijing has the BEST pearl market EVER, called Hong Qiao Pearl Market.

The first couple floors are crazy vendors, think NYC's diamond district but more crowded and chaotic. There is everything- silk, fake handbags, watches, electronics, jade everything.. and pearls.

I went to one of the top floors where it looks more of like a shopping mall instead of a free for all.

This is where better quality and prices, ironically, can be seen.

Cue Pfizer.


My aunt and uncle are the greatest for many reasons and having amazing foreign connections is one of them. I met with Celia, this amazing Pfizer employee, who took me around Hong Qiao and into the Tingshang jewelry store where Mrs. Blair and Madeline Albright have bought their China pearls.

You'd think out of my league, right?

No, Celia's an amazing negotiator and got those prices down to a student budget.

LOVE HER.


SO THANK YOU CELIA, THANK YOU PFIZER, THANK YOU JOE & LEIGHTON, AND THANK YOU CHINA.


Me, and those I got gifts for (Ali- especially- Matt's going to be in competition...) will be also thanking you now and for much time to come.

China's an Internet Debbie Downer

So what, I've been here four days and China's security system has officially tapped into my computer.

Yesterday at 11pm I was able to access:

Facebook (oh my beloved)
MySpace
CNN (ooh, scary)

Now, no matter what link I try, it directs me to the Chinese search engine Baidu.



But alas, I do still get the NY Times- go figure.

Emmy Does Decolletage

See, I'm not crazy for bringing the 50's back- even Ms. Huffman is following suit:

A Friendly Stage With More Décolletage Than Politics
Décolletage is always the least supporting part of an awards night, and even talented, older actresses like Felicity Huffman and Ms. Mirren showed more chest than decorum. Joely Fisher’s yellow dress was so deeply cut that her fellow presenter, Brad Garrett, rather ungallantly pantomimed a mental note, “Buy milk.”

~ NY Times



Just remember Ms. Huffman, who was your fashion guru when you're famous.


Ok, right, I know that's not even remotely believable to make a mediocre joke out of... I just love how NY Times says Decolletage. Fab.

Tsingtao Now!

Firstly- China's SKETCHY. I can't see my blog, because they block blogs, so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

Anyways- my first few hours in Beijing were spent doing the most universally glorious activity: loving the nightlife.



See- it's empty. This is the Chinese beer of Tsingtao- all 2.3% alcohol of it. Tsingtao drinkers are lightweights!




Here's an awesome board of all the shots at this area called Sanlitun. It's where all the foreigners, aka expats (love that name, it sounds very Tom Brady), hang out.

I learned from all the kids teaching English (most young ex-pats do that here) that I won't really see lots of Chinamen at the clubs because going out is culturally looked down upon.

Right, which is why their board of shots is so dirty.



This is my friend Neil- you guessed it, teaching English- drinking Slippery Nipples.




Then me drinking On My Ass.

Hehe.

Yes, I am in fourth grade.



This was "Absynthe." Rrrrrrrright. I've always wanted to try "Absynthe" ever since I fell in love with Jude Law in Alfie, yummm, so I decided what the hell- when in China, do as the sexy English do.

What happened?

I became really giddy- and not from the shot- but probably more from the excitement of doing something that is "forbidden."

First Steps

This was my first look after leaving the airplane that took me from the safe Midwest (Chicago) to the scarey Biejing. ;)



Notice the smog? He's a major cameo in all my photos.




Our lovely plane. Hated flying United. They did NOT take care of you. They refused to feed me. If I was not on top of my shiznit, they'd skip!

One "meal" was Ramen Noodles- wait, I thought I graduated college?- and I was reading and the woman didn't fill me up. Filled up my entire row, except me. Apparently I had a t-shirt saying "Don't Feed the Skinny Girl" on.



Me. Cameo.




Me trying to have an artistic photo. Did it work?

Bon Voyage

I may be on Day #4, but let's step back and take a review of how I got to this amazing place....



Via Champagne. The ladies and I went into rare form, with lots of help from the fabulous Eric Marx, by drinking champagne after champagne at Tenjune.

I flew out the next day, still happily drunk, and amazed that I remembered everything.. like my passport.


So when I landed in Beijing- what was the first drink I had?



You guessed it- although I seriously asked for white wine. I swear!

Mandarin is Quite Essential

So after getting lost FOREVER on my way back to my hotel yesterday I realized how essential it is to know Mandarin.

Thank God I had made nice nice with other foreigners who were studying English because they totally bailed me out on this one. Even with their somewhat perfect Mandarin (it sounded perfect to me!) it took circling four or five times.

Today I'm going to a disco party in the Hutongs... that is, if I can find it.

I'll keep you guys posted.

Also- alas!- my Dad will be the savior and bringing the necessary USB cord I neglected to bring to upload my photos from last night.


Absynthe is involved- actually I should say "absynthe". It didn't knock me on the floor and there's not hangover today, so unfortunately I think I was conned!

Damn Chinamen!!

Beijing- Day 1

So I am here at the Redwall Hotel in Beijing.

Despite all the worries there is toilet paper! (check) and people do speak English, well enough anyway.

I am surprised how tired I am. Usually I'm a badass and can deal with the jet lag, but maybe the rainy weather has made me sleepy.

I plan on fighting all the sleepy urges by buying some water, wine, and giving myself a manicure in Communist Red.

Asia Bound

I'm at O'Hare Airport killing three hours.


What does that mean?


I'm early! For once! Which is good because now I need to buy a part for my all-weather, disaster proof camera. Get the irony? It doesn't want to upload any pics onto my computer. I knew it was going to be a diva when I got it in blue.

Alright, back to work.

Will update when I am in Beijing- and hopefully with a working USB cable!


See ya bitches!

xoxo

Britney's Career is Over

It's over.

Did you see the VMA "performance"- if you can call it that?

It's the end of an era.


One of the best performers in the entire world is no longer a performer. Not only did she look terrible and overweight in a sequined bra and underwear with a more than awful and noticeable! weave, Britney Spears barely moved on stage. And when she did she stumbled, literally.

She was struck with fear on the stage that made her a star.

It's over.



I'm going to drown sorrows in wine- like I'm sure she's doing too.


Here's the worst performance of her career:

Britney Spears "Gimme More" MTV VMAs
Uploaded by TheDlisted

More FLD

Second to last episode before I head out to Asia for 6 weeks.

Tear.


This episode was a really good shoot, despite some momentary script panic. :)


And I also love how things are going hybrid. Not to pull a Miss America spiel or anything, but I do think global warming is the biggest problem our generation faces. This is a good start, but we need to make hybrid the norm, not the minority.

And I would LOVE if the taxis were hybrid, maybe I would feel less guilty and use them more.

Who am I kidding.

P. Diddy & Me

Whenever you think of Labor Day you think of three things: Hamptons, White, and P. Diddy.

Of course.


I've been a fan of "The Fabulous Life" on VH1 for years and thought that I know I'll have made it when I go to a P. Diddy Party- no less his infamous White Party.


So I guess I made it (despite being jobless and broke) because on Sunday to Monday I was partying it up right next to P. Diddy's table at the White Party Afterparty at Dune.



See he's on the mic. As you can tell it's PACKED. Apparently there were other celebrities there, but I would've never known!




A cool pic.




Dancing on table tops. I heart the Hamptons.

Partying Into the AM with DJ AM

This was past weekend was my first time to Long Island- and I made my debut in the Hamptons no less.

Being one of 25 people in one house (albeit a mansion) in Sag Harbor with no sheets, towels, or pillows on a god-who-knows-whats-been-there mattress couldn't keep me down.

Cause we were about to have the best Labor Day weekend- EVER!

First we started at Stereo.



Marietta and I taking a breather while DJ AM spinned a foot away to our left.


And the serious party that was happening- in the bathroom line. haha.



Love Stereo in NYC, but in the Hamptons it's a really gross crowd. You know the saying "bridge and tunnel", well it's all bridge there.

History Repeats Itself

As I grow in age my allergies are getting worse and sleeping on the same bed as a cat is horrendous.

So this morning I woke up with terrible allergies and took Drixoral, the only allergy medicine I had.

Oops.

I've been knocked out for much of the day. The ironic thing is that at my first fashion week I took Nyquil accidentally and then two Dayquils. I guess it's just that time of year when I take the wrong medication!